My Love Don't Fade Away
by Heart of Spellz
Summary: Sirius closes his eyes and spins. He hopes for the best every time he opens them.


**Author's Note: Thanks to acidbathory for the wonderful beta job. The prompt used for this fic was '_His feet were already numb. He should have listened._'**

* * *

Sirius sometimes sits back and wonders if Life has a set plan, or if it's all just made up as things progress. He can never quite help the feeling that his strings are being pulled by something that takes an immense fascination in suspense and the unknown, much like those mystery novels Remus likes to read. He doesn't make a habit of thinking such profound thoughts – he's got a reputation, after all – but there are times when he closes his eyes and everything seems to spin around him. He's convinced that there will be one time when he'll open his eyes and everything will be gone; ripped away from him like an annoying, necessary plaster; nothing left behind but a sticky patch where dirt can collect and a sting that aches more than anyone is ever really willing to admit.

Perhaps such musings are too dark for a sunny, Thursday afternoon, especially when his head is in Remus Lupin's lap and there are long fingers threading through his hair as he stares at the mesmerising quality of the gently moving beech tree leaves. Possibly such feelings are due to impending adulthood and what that entails for himself and his friends. Though now that he thinks about it, maybe it's roused more by who he keeps company with than any other factors, tantilising creature as is Remus.

A mild tug on a strand of hair pulls him out of his daze. He shifts his gaze up to meet Remus' and smiles lazily. Remus chuckles and shakes his head. 'Where did you get off to, eh?'

Sirius' smile turns wicked. 'The dormitory,' he answers, waggling his eyebrows. Remus pokes him in the side, causing Sirius to squeak and Remus to laugh.

'We're meant to be studying, Pads,' chides Remus. 'Now show me you've earned your Potions mark by telling me the ingredients for Polyjuice.'

Sirius groans and squeezes his eyes closed, but does as requested. 'Knotgrass, boomslang skin, lacewing flies, bicorn horn, leeches, and um … oh! Fluxweed.'

'Very good,' says Remus. 'Now let's try the – '

''Lo, gents,' interrupts James in greeting, dropping down on the grass beside them.

'Bugger off, Prongs,' says Sirius without looking at his friend. 'We're busy.'

'Yeah? Doesn't look like it,' replies James. 'With what?'

Sirius bends his head backwards in Remus' lap to get a view of his upside-down friend. 'We're about to go have a wank,' he counters smoothly. 'You're welcome to join us.'

James' gaze shifts between Sirius and Remus, trying to determine if they're having him on or not. Sirius can see the panic rising in James' hazel eyes, the muscles in his legs tensing for quick departure, and he knows they've got him. Remus, however, can no longer take the all too accurate deer-in-the-headlights look on James' face and begins to cackle moments before the boy decides whether he wants to scamper or not.

'Aw, Moony,' whinges Sirius. 'We almost had him. What'd you have to go and laugh for?'

'I'm sorry, Sirius,' says Remus through his snickers. 'His face was just … ' He trails off, overpowered by cackles of glee once more.

'Not on, you two,' says James, a pout forming on his lips.

'Grow up, Prongs,' says Sirius, flicking a leaf at his friend. 'How many more times to do we have to tell you, just because Remus and I are attracted to one another doesn't mean we automatically want you too. 'Cause we don't. At all.'

James pokes his tongue out at Sirius and leans his back against the tree next to Remus. Sirius stares at him witheringly for a long while before James finally asks, 'What?'

Sirius huffs. 'I have to repeat myself?' At James' questioning expression, Sirius rolls his eyes. 'I told you to bugger off. I wasn't joking. Go find Wormtail and bother him.'

James' wand appears from beneath his robes and Sirius is rewarded with a face full of leaves from the tree. As he splutters and spits up bugs, James says, 'Pete's off with Amy somewhere. And something tells me it's better not to disturb them.'

'Well go and find Evans then, you plonker,' barks Sirius, still pulling leaf pieces from his mouth.

James' shoulders droop as he sighs. 'I already did. She covered me in boils and sent me off.' He glances at his two friends from the corner of his eye. 'They were purple,' he mumbles.

'You probably deserved them,' says Remus serenely.

Sirius snorts. 'It's nice to know we're so high on your entertainment choices,' he snipes.

'No offence, mate,' says James, 'but even if you two aren't girlishly vile about whatever it is you do, it doesn't mean that my first preference for alleviating my boredom is subjecting myself to any sort of romantic … blah.'

'Aren't you poetic,' comments Remus disdainfully. James throws a handful of leaves at him.

Sirius pulls himself out of Remus' lap excitedly. 'Is that what it takes for you to leave us alone?' he asks, leaning forward on his hands and knees in anticipation. 'Because if it is, I can spout all kinds of romantic blah. I'm a regular Socrates.'

'Socrates was a philosopher, Sirius, not a poet,' corrects Remus, shaking his head.

Sirius waves him off. 'Same thing,' he says airily.

'Not really – ' begins Remus, but James interjects before he can explain.

'If you want me to leave that badly, make me,' he challenges Sirius.

'Fine, I will,' retorts Sirius.

'Fine!' shouts James.

Sirius replies with a mimicked 'Fine!'

James leaps at him and tackles Sirius against the ground, flat on his back. Sirius fights back, rolling and kneeing James in every available surface. Before long, they're laughing as they wrestle on the grass, staining their robes. A few moments later, Peter appears beside them. He studies the scene for a short time before shrugging his shoulders and jumping into the fray. Remus sighs and rolls his eyes, pulling out a book to occupy his time until his friends have exhausted themselves and decide to move on to something more entertaining.

* * *

Sirius doesn't know how things went so wrong so quickly. He'd made a mistake, he knows, but now James and Peter won't talk to him and Remus refuses to even look his way. Staying at the Potters' for Christmas hols is tense and awkward, though James' parents certainly don't understand why. Three days into the holiday, Sirius packs up and leaves in the middle of the night, ignoring James' whispered advice to 'just leave him alone'. He sets his sight north towards Painswick and the small cottage that contains the only person that can make everything better.

As he summons the Knight Bus and pays the sullen-looking conductor, Sirius thinks back to the first serious conversation Remus had ever had with Sirius and their friends. He'd warned the other Marauders that if anyone were to ever find out about his condition, there would be horrible consequences for a great many things. Sirius had never fathomed that this would be one of them. Though to be fair, he also never thought he'd be the cause of it all. The worst part of the entire thing is that Sirius still can't say exactly _why_ he sent Snape to the Shack, because he honestly doesn't know.

He grips one of the posters of the bed he's sitting on to keep from flying forward at a sudden stop. It seems like everything around him is moving too fast and it makes him nauseous. Sirius squeezes his eyes closed, but he suddenly feels like a top that can't stop spinning with no one willing to ground him back on two feet. He pops his eyes back open at the next jarring stop, thankful that nothing's disappeared, and vacates the bus, never having been so grateful for the remoteness that is Painswick.

Sirius trips and stumbles his way through a field of snow which leads him directly to the small, dark cottage. He tosses his things to the cold ground when he reaches the yard and rounds to the back of the house quickly, desperate now that he's so very close.

There isn't any light coming through the upstairs window, but Sirius can still see him, just barely. His petite form is curled up against the glass and Sirius doesn't ever remember him looking so very small. He catches the boy's eyes and Remus stares down at him for a long while, simply watching Sirius watch him. Sirius waits, not even daring to breathe. Finally, Remus moves. He stands, offers Sirius one last glance, and turns away from the window, closing the drapes behind him.

That's it. One blink, one spin, and everything's gone.

Everything's gone.

Sirius remembers Peter telling him once that one day he'd do something so mad that Remus wouldn't be able to handle it and Sirius would lose him. His feet are already numb. He should have listened.


End file.
